Bisexual Girls Club

Elaine Davidson

She has more piercings in her genitalia than in any other part of the body – 500 in all, externally and internally.[3] The total weight of her jewelry is estimated to be about 3 kilograms.[4] As of May 2008, Davidson’s piercings total 5,920.[5]

I don’t really want to repeat myself, but I often do. Anyway, I’m posting this because I started to write this before I wrote Satisfaction. These should probably be combined… but I’ll just put this out there the way I initially thought of it. Maybe it’s a little bit more detail on the related post. I’ll try to change the subject next time. I’m not hating women right now, but I guess I’m having a really hard time a) understanding them and b) understanding why it is that if I myself am a woman, I don’t really seem to have that much better insight into why they do what they do. Perhaps it’s because I haven’t been studying them as long as most men I know have been.

Maybe they are more similar to me than I care to admit. That has crossed my mind, but I would like to think that the coldness is not something I convey to others. Maybe my lack of certainty and understanding of myself makes me too sensitive to others’ insensitivities. Maybe these women are more afraid than I and so they guard themselves more tightly. I’ve also had trouble with other women (in a non-sexual situation) where I didn’t play along with their little games… too many people just playing a stupid game that keeps everyone involved from achieving real pleasure?

I used to think that guys were cold. I mean I was just taught that men are insensitive and you can’t trust them. But women can be your friends. You can bond with them and they will show more emotions than a man ever could. It made sense to me since my best friend was a woman. I was never able to reconcile that with the fact that I had more male friends than women friends, and nevertheless, I had some very close relationships with women indeed. The idea that a woman could be so delicate and sensitive and understanding if part of what drew me to be attracted to them. I yearned to find that ultimate intimacy with them (though of course I would never mistaken sex for love, that is clear to me). I just wanted to find that passion, that chemistry combined with gentle beauty unafraid to feel intensity of touch and connection. I thought this could be true. I thought women had this beautiful spirit. The fact that women were never too nice to me just proved to me it was because they didn’t really know the touch of a woman, maybe didn’t want it, maybe didn’t know it could exist. The straight women of course often see me as competition. They can be pretty vicious when they have their eye on something they want and they perceive an obstacle (me). I thought that the solution to that must be to find that connection with women. It was clear to me that I really did like women and it was only my fear of reaching out to them that was keeping me from finding happiness with them. I found that if I stopped hating them like they seemed to hate me, I would find those women who I could make a connection with. If I opened myself up to really be intimate with them, then they would share their beauty with me. They might even share some emotions and intensity. Isn’t that part of what chemistry is about? I used to believe this. I still want to believe this.

I used to think women were so sensitive and unafraid to be in touch with their feelings. Until I started dating them. It was the shock of my life. And I continue to be surprised with each one.

Often, I find that when I see a woman after we’ve hooked up, they can be as distant as if we never touched. I begin again from scratch trying to figure out why I’m left feeling as if I have to impress them. Whether they avoid a hello kiss or other body language that makes me afraid to approach them in a sexy manner. Is it them, or is it me? Well, I don’t think I’m jaded enough to learn from my mistakes because like a fool, I continue to believe that after we’ve been intimate once, I can take them in my arms the second time and build on the good feelings from the previous night. But that almost seems impossible. Sometimes they are more distant. As if they resent me for the “dirty” things they did or as if they finally can no longer pretend. They can only act for so long. Am I just meeting straight women that are bi for a night? Why is is that I keep meeting cold fish who can’t sustain any affection to the second night?

Don’t get me wrong. I’ve met some very affectionate women, but, I guess for me, they are few and far between.

I can’t get no satisfaction, I can’t get no girl reaction. ‘Cause I try and I try and I try and I try. I can’t get no, I can’t get no.

- Rolling Stones

I’ve had easily 20, more probably 30, most possibly 40 threesomes, but I’ve only really enjoyed being with about a handful of the women who have accompanied me on that journey. It’s actually been a while, maybe over a year, since I felt like I really connected and was truly fully turned on by a woman with whom I had sex. And I do remember those women in a most delicious way, such that these feelings (physical and otherwise) reaffirmed for me my desire for women. The problem is that there has been something missing. Most of the times, it feels like the girls are there for only one thing, which can be fine to an extent, but still it can leave much to be desired. I think they act as if just them being there should make me grateful and all too often that’s about as much as they give. They’re not really there to connect with me; to get to know me; to really feel me. I suppose I find that’s there’s another level of intimacy I am looking for in order to satisfy my sexual needs. It certainly isn’t about no sex (celebacy? foreplay only? nothing below the waist – nope, that’s not for me) at all and it isn’t about just genital sex (just the fact that a woman goes down on me doesn’t mean that she’s found the way to connect with me or that I feel the satisfaction I seek – I mean they could just as easily be going through the motions to put on a nice show)*. Though there is fun in flirtation, there can be as much sensation not just in what happens during, but also in what happens after … what I feel we can build on… what I feel allows me to explore more and really free my sensual and sexual expression.

*Actually I was reading about this in a book called Bi Any Other Name: Bisexual People Speak Out, Edited by Loraine Hutchins and Lani Kaahumanu. A passage from an essay by Laura Johnson, “Making My Own Way” speaks to what I’m feeling about that matter:

I am coming to expand my consciousness far beyond genital sex and straight romantic love and to feel the ways in which eroticism energizes and empowers my life.

On the one hand, I don’t mind a one-night stand, though I’m not looking for just a one-night stand. On the other hand I don’t need to get into a relationship, though I am not emotionally opposed to it. It’s just that quite a lot of times, women seem to enjoy only the idea of the threesome and once the novelty wears off for them (all too quickly) they become distant; in some cases cold fish (and often in those cases, looking back I find the actual act as having been distant as well). More on that later…

Maybe I need to find out about tantric sex.

Those are my thoughts for now. It is somewhat incomplete, but I need to start getting this stuff out there because that is the only way I’m going to be able to sort through the muddle in my head. Reading this latest book has encouraged me to try again (in different ways) to express myself so that I can gain a enlightenment about my sexuality and experiences I’ve had in my lifestyle rather than just going through activities and feeling empty about it once the moment is over. It’s not exactly that I feel empty (I mean, I don’t regret those moments); it’s just that I do feel there is something missing (whether with challenges in my own role or how others approach/don’t approach me). There is a sense of awareness I am unable to reach. And I don’t want to harbor resentment because I feel there are few people out there who really understand me or are on the same page as I am. Perhaps I’ve been looking to the wrong people.

Perhaps I have not been looking inside myself enough. I need to find satisfaction before it’s too late for me and I become bitter and 10 years older in spirit than my time in this world. This isn’t something I want to force, but when I continue to bring the wrong kind of energy into my life, it just eats away at me and makes me forget all that I’ve learned about what’s beautiful around me and inside of me.

This week’s What is Sexy? can be answered by burlesque. Check out Slipper Room’s gallery.

The title says it all. For those of you who are interested, you should check out this event:

In the Flesh is a monthly reading series held the third Thursday of every month at the appropriately named Happy Ending Lounge, and features the city’s best erotic writers sharing stories to get you hot and bothered, hosted and curated by erotic writer/editor Rachel Kramer Bussel (lustylady). That sounds like it might be a good place to take a date…

In The Flesh celebrates its third anniversary with a blowout night featuring drink specials, giveaways, and extra-steamy stories. This evening features an eclectic mix of erotic fiction and non-fiction this November, with novelist and screenwriter Trey Ellis (Home Repairs, Platitudes), novelist Francis Levy (Erotomania), comedians Kelli Dunham and Margot Leitman, Jincey Lumpkin (DigiRomp.com), and blogger Desiree. Hosted by Rachel Kramer Bussel (Spanked, Tasting Him, Tasting Her, Dirty Girls). Free candy and cupcakes will be served and books and other prizes will be given away.