Bisexual Girls Club

Feast your eyes on this. Time to take out the monster in your pants and the blood sucking whore in you… let loose for the witching hour is just about to begin.

Get Your Freak On. It’s Halloween time!

Hmm…. yeah, that was the voice mail message I got from the idiot manager at China 1. When I asked him, “since when” all he had to say was, “A while ago.” Geeh, that was nice of him to give me such advanced notice. I spoke to him around 11pm. And immediately I had to email the distribution list, go back to all the ads and edit them (couldn’t edit the flyers that were already out there of course! And of course I was left with a lot of useless flyers from Vista Print lol), edit this site, that site, (I’m sure I forgot a few, though I do try to keep it organized doh!), blah blah blah, big headache. The thing I forgot to do was post a sign on their door to redirect people to the right place. I guess I kind of thought they wouldn’t let me do that, but I should have made them let me do it after they screwed me.

The manager even tells me, well, you can do it if you can guarantee a minimum bar tab (of whatever the fuck I don’t know I didn’t even want to hear that shit – from what I remember from previous discussions it was a pretty hefty enough bar tab). First of all, there was no cover so why would I want to stress one and half days before the event so that I would be owing money at the end of it? And in principle, why should I guarantee these a-holes a bar tab. Despite my best efforts to get the word out about the change, I ended up having a low attendance and even was contacted later by at least a handful or two of people who said they never bothered to double check the location and just showed up to a closed building thinking they had just been stood up by a bogus party ad! Suffice it to say, I will not EVER go back to China 1 unless possibly if it goes under new management. Very profession these guys are… not.

Hopefully we’ve worked out all the SNAFUs and the next gathering will have a better turn out (though the people who did show up of course it is always nice meeting anyone interested in the club and getting to know who’s out there interested in this sort of thing). I am meeting more potential club members practically “as we speak!”

And more on the fun that WAS had a little later…

It really was quite an uneventful Monday night. I knew I had a gathering to get to so figured it would be a night to chat up some people and get my drink on a little bit. Earlier in the evening, though, I wasn’t even sure if I was going to get to the party destination safely. It was shortly after work, before I made it to China1, that I was offered a quick smoke. I had mentioned that I was very tense (it had been a tough couple of weeks), but it was my intention to grab a cocktail and let loose that way. Regardless, before I knew it, I was outside, about a block away from the building I had just left, and going in the opposite direction of which I needed to go, waiting for my turn, thinking “ah, what is one hit gonna do really?” Even after I considered that I might inhale too much, I convinced myself that I would just take a short breath and probably not feel much of anything at all. It ended up being a pretty good hit, and unfortunately it took my heart and mind to some crazy dark places for about 40 minutes. I had to use up all my strength to fight the feeling of wanting to fall apart. My heart threatened to explode (it was racing a mile a minute even though I felt like I was moving at a snail’s pace); my mind threatened to implode (probably with the pressure of all the paranoid voices screaming in my head). My adrenaline was pumping.

I couldn’t get the right timing for crossing the street. I kept thinking everyone was laughing at me because I hadn’t figured out the unspoken pedestrian traffic rules… if there are no cars coming, you don’t have to wait for the green light or the yellow walking figure. In fact you pretty much look like a fool if you just stand there on an empty street waiting for the official sign. But what if I misread the signs and lack of focus and depth perception led me astray? What if I ran at exactly the moment that a car was heading right into my path and I broke all my bones? Wouldn’t that be embarrassing? Then I started to think about what people are really afraid of in that situation. Are they afraid of death or life? Because if there is death in that situation, you probably will just find peace. But if you survive and have to live the rest of your days in pain, then it’s life that you should really be afraid of. I kept thinking about my thoughts (what was happening to my mind?) and all the fingers pointing at me and all the faces laughing at me. I became almost paralyzed and wondered if my legs would stop working. They felt like jello and I knew I was walking unsteadily, even in my sturdy timberland boots. It felt like I stood a full five minutes at each light, yet I still somehow made it 30 blocks in about 30 minutes.

It had been cold out before I ventured on this journey, yet I was not feeling cold. I knew that had to be asking for trouble so I was sure to keep my jacket closed tight and my glove less hands in my pockets. I had to be careful or my self would begin to seep out of my body.

Eventually I made it to the lounge, but I was dying of thirst or out of breath or out of my mind. My bones felt very heavy and I could hardly hold myself up so I forced myself to sit down. The place was filled with dim red lights and you could hear the laughter coming from the basement despite the lonely and quiet bar upstairs. I had to compose myself or, I considered, I might get arrested (!) for public lunacy. After I sat down, I asked for some libation and the “water boy” quickly complied. He saved my life really. He sat a few tables away from me, eating his dinner, but also talked me down from wherever I was, confirming with me that although sometimes we over do it, we just need a moment to gather ourselves and then everything is all good. He got in my thoughts somehow and helped to relax me. All the time I was texting my hubby wondering when he was going to make it to where I was. He was stuck on the train somewhere in Brooklyn, trying to figure out how to get into the city more quickly. The “water boy” and my phone where my lifelines.

I had a hard time interpreting people’s responses to my questions because I imagined there was hidden meaning in everything. Did, “go downstairs and enjoy yourself while you wait,” really mean what it sounded like, or was it just a test? Did, “I’m a really cautious driver, you know drive at the speed limit, stop at all the stop signs,” mean my cousin was a conservative driver or was she talking about me? What could these text messages really be telling me? Who were these people? Could they be trusted? Did they see inside my soul or were they just fucking with me. It all felt so fucking deep, you know? But as long as I kept looking at my phone, looking at the time, looking at my messages, listening to the water boy, it was all going to be okay.

When I finally made it downstairs, 10 or 15 minutes after I arrived at the lounge, I was feeling quite uncertain. I worried that if I dared to talk to anyone I would completely unravel. So, mostly, I kept to myself. There were a lot of strangers. I wondered if they thought I had crazy eyes.

An attractive tall dude did actually approach me, but as soon as I said the “h” word (husband), he literally did a 180 turn and walked away from me without so much as saying goodbye. Clearly, some people did not get the memo before they stepped into the joint that this was a poly cocktail hour. Everybody who heard my story about Mr. 180 said that was his problem, not mine. That incident is not going to make me want to hide the fact that I am in a relationship because if it is going to bother someone that much then why should I want to know them. Yet still, I wondered which of my faults caused the unpleasant experience at that moment. Was it my stoned state of mind? The subtleties necessary when revealing your true self can sometimes look like a lie (which I do not want to do), but sometimes they are just well timed information deposits. Does my lack of mastery in this field make me a bad flirt? Am I just incapable of flirting with men?? It made me think about whether I’m really addressing both sides of my sexuality. What conflicts do I have that might lead me to push men away? You can work on one part of yourself for a long time, but neglecting other things for too long can’t possibly be healthy. So that’s something that I’m going to have to digest later of course.

Finally I struck up a conversation with someone and we began to discuss the true meaning of life. Pot makes me think about that you know. I revealed my observations from earlier as I had attempted to cross the street, and I must have made some sense because the long haired dude responded in an agreeable manner by offering his own two cents worth. He noticed that I was obsessed with my phone because I kept glancing at it every minute or so. He didn’t understand why it was my lifeline. He didn’t understand how stoned I really was, even though I might have warned him about of my state of mind. I couldn’t tell the difference between my thoughts and my words. My brain was slowly leaking out.

I exclaimed in confusion about one particular email. It came from an unknown sender with a picture of a Tinge Razor, of which they wanted to send me a free sample. Apparently it was a sex toy in disguise. The long haired dude found it odd that I get random emails from people sending me such intimate information (it wasn’t spam) and I concurred. That is until I remembered who I was and what my life was like and then I realized it’s not odd at all. Then I knew I had to walk away because clearly he didn’t even understand why HE was at a poly cocktail hour. There are many reasons why I would get a “random” sex related emails from a stranger and it was actually perfectly acceptable. I could not wait to read the message thoroughly and figure out what it was all about, but that would be later when I had a clearer head on my shoulders.

At some point, however, the long haired dude told me I was mixing metaphors and I had him totally confused. That was my cue to walk away because I was clearly in another world and couldn’t communicate my thoughts.

Eventually I saw somebody I recognized and I made another attempt to hold myself together and communicate. Apparently, unless I heard the name wrong (which is entirely possible in my state of mind), he was dating a girl Lex and I fucked about once or twice. Not sure if he was aware of that. I didn’t bother to tell him. He might have known it already though. I guess these things can become a bit incestuous sometimes, which is why we try to find different environments rather than going to the same things over and over again. New York is such a big place and such a small place really. And people really do travel in the same circles. I have always loved that you can feel so comfortable here, knowing your surroundings so well so quickly, but that too can be a hindrance to getting a fresh perspective. It’s good to get out of your comfort zone sometimes and meet people in different worlds. It is possible to find people who understand you even if they’re not necessarily living your kind of lifestyle and traveling in all the same circles. There is a whole other world out there that does not have to be poisonous to your way of doing things. It is one matter to have an inclusive group that sees the world like you do and is accepting of who you are, and another matter altogether to have an inclusive group that isolates you from the rest of the world, expecting that you would get all that you need in just one place.

In any case, this time the conversation led us to, among other things, the difficulties of dealing with younger chicks.

Just because I am older, they often seem to expect me to do all the work (as if it didn’t involve two people reaching out to each other) to keep things going and interesting. His comment? “Now you know how men feel.” I told him that I have found them to become cold after a night of sex maybe because they regret the “dirty things” that happened on the previous night, maybe because they lack the maturity to deal with sexual encounters and are afraid to become vulnerable to others for fear of losing control. And even if they may be afraid they tend to be more manipulative. Because of this, I often don’t know for sure what they are looking for and I don’t know for sure how to keep things from getting weird/awkward.

I have found that you have to allow yourself to be vulnerable in order to gain control of your life and find meaningful, fulfilling relationships, even if you are just looking for good sex. Connecting emotionally doesn’t mean you give away everything that you are. You don’t automatically have to have an attachment with someone after fucking, but if you allow yourself to both enjoy that for what it is and then attempt a connection beyond that then you will find your world opening up a lot.

Many of the younger women I meet, however, can’t seem to go that far. Although I do prefer to date younger women, because they can be the least jaded and are more likely to try anything, they can definitely be a huge pain in the ass. I used to think that men would be the worst in that department, but it turns out that younger chicks seem to be the most insensitive. Yet, I am still most interested in younger women. For that reason, I rarely actually date the women with whom I have sex. It’s not that I’m necessarily looking for a relationship, but well maybe I am looking for relationship junior.

I think that interaction with Mr. 180 stuck in my head. That and being stoned didn’t help… because I started to talk about how sometimes I am so uncertain about what sexual experience I’m looking for that I wonder if I am a big fraud when I say what sexual orientation I am or what lifestyle I am about. He assured me we all feel like that sometimes. I guess the thing for me is that my sexuality is more fluid and sometimes I really dislike labeling it. Giving it a name or label, you know, like putting it in a box, helps to find others who might be experiencing a similar type of life, who might be in that box too, but giving it a name also forces you to always have to either be true to what is in that box or become that person who isn’t really supposed to be in that box (like in order for you to fit in, you have to identify who DOESN’T fit in… one of these is not like the other). And that I find difficult. Because I am continually working on figuring out what it all means to ME. What if I just want a custom label for what I am, like a custom license plate… if I must have one?

And then there’s the matter of having to look a certain way. At this particular event, I wasn’t as sexed up as I normally am. Someone noticed it and kind of called me out on it. So I guess having to always look the part, though obviously is fun when you’re into it, can be aggravating, exhausting, and really kind of makes me want to not bother all together sometimes.

I really just want to have an exciting sexual experience with someone and build from there. I love to meet new people, but when you constantly have to rebuild something, it becomes taxing. So I have less energy to explore different aspects of my sexuality and it seems I’ve learned to tough it out with women more than with men. It’s not easy as a sexual being is it? If I were texting this I’d say LOL. Have to lighten the mood a bit. It’s not that terrible really. Dating is the best remedy for me…

Yes, I was going to some dark places that night. I probably would have just brushed most of what I saw and heard off my shoulders if I hadn’t been so stoned. I look forward to going back to that party and NOT be stoned. However, there was definitely a lot of fodder for later analysis. You have to be affected by it all sometimes, otherwise you’re just cold and what’s the sense in that. But if you’re affected by it too much all the time, then you’re mind and body and soul just become mush. And what’s the sense in that?

I walked around for a while looking for a free cocktail with great difficulty because somehow I couldn’t ask directly. Being stoned was really screwing with my head. I’m usually very direct. I tried to hint at getting someone to buy me a drink, but all I could get was guys telling me that if I really wanted a drink I should just get one… so not having the power to pull myself out of this mind fuck I was in, I had to wait for Lex to arrive and amuse myself in other ways. Yeah, there seemed to also not be too many women around, but part of the problem was obviously my less social state of mind. And I guess I give off very strong vibes whether I’m feeling open or closed up, so mostly people seemed to stay away from me. Until the junk in my head finally wore off.

But not before I happened upon my nemesis, who always makes me feel stupid, no matter how much I want to not care. The nicest thing she ever said about me was that I was a lot smarter than I look. Obviously an insult. That’s just what she does to make herself feel smarter than other people. I usually play the dumb girl in front of her because really, why should I even bother to try to prover her wrong. She doesn’t deserve to know what’s really inside of me. What helps (or doesn’t help) is that I’m usually stoned or inebriated around her because well those are the kinds of environments we find each other in. In any case, I made it through that interaction and I was on to other things.

At one point the “water boy” came by and I reached for his arm, thanking him for saving my life – calling him by his proper name as I knew it, “Water boy! My savior!” Realizing he might have been offended by that, I explained that is was honestly a compliment. Fortunately he had no hangups about it he ended up offering me that free drink I was waiting for. Of course Lex had already arrived and gotten me my drink as he had promised, but still, it’s always nice to be complimented with at least one free drink (from someone other than your hubby) if not five or six when I’m out partying.

Eventually I did come out of my funk and the night turned much brighter. I found myself talking to a woman, Jessie, I had looked at earlier who had, I thought, looked at me too… but I confessed to her that I thought she wouldn’t want to talk to me, and that I was also too stoned to approach her. Surprisingly, Jessie confessed to me that she too thought I wouldn’t want to talk to HER. My god! All that time wasted. Before long we were making out. Honestly, I hate to just jump into that and not give an explanation for how that happened, but there really is none. I mean, at first either I was not open or was not meeting open-minded people, and after, I was open and I started to find those open minded people. I think sometimes there is some magic about how I can flirt with people or soften them up, because when I can’t do it, I have no idea how to do it. And when I’m doing it I don’t even know how I’m doing it. I just do it. What I did do was strike up a simple conversation (which I was incapable of doing earlier). And from there, you either get someone who is receptive or you move on. Because dwelling on my inability to get over my stoned state was definitely not helping my cause at all. And certainly being under the influence of something that is really going to restrict your ability to reach out does not help either!

I also struck up a conversation with the coat check girl from the Valentine’s party. We compared tats and had some drinks and I started to plan my next Bisexual Girls Club party (officially in May, an unofficial one at the end of April) and things started to go a little more smoothly. But by then, the night was really over for most people. What happened to partying till 4 or 6am or 10am? I only feel asleep once in that situation and that was after some fun sex… but usually, even after the first round of sex, I can last a pretty long time, especially when it takes me a little while to get started! At least the Jessie and her boyfriend gave us a ride home, but you see, it was quite an uneventful Monday really.

Drive west on Sunset to the sea
Turn that jungle music down
Just until we’re out of town
This is no one night stand
It’s a real occasion
Close your eyes and you’ll be there
It’s everything they say
The end of a perfect day
Distant lights from across the bay

Babylon sisters shake it
Babylon sisters shake it
So fine so young
Tell me I’m the only one

Here come those Santa Anna winds again

We’ll jog with show folk on the sand
Drink kirschwasser from a shell
San Francisco Show and Tell
Well I should know by now that it’s just a spasm
Like a Sunday in T.J.
That it’s cheap but it’s not free
That I’m not what I used to be
And that love’s not a game for three

[chorus]

[solo]

My friends say no don’t go for that cotton candy
Son you’re playing with fire
The kid will live and learn
As he watches his bridges burn
From the point of no return

[chorus]

-Steely Dan

So, if I’m understanding correctly, this song is about a guy who has probably hired two hookers (like a Sunday in T.J. – which is known for a place you go to find hookers) and they’re doing heroine (cotton candy is a term for heroine). Sure he says, “tell me I’m the only one” like he wants to pretend it’s more than just a one night stand, but he knows it really is just that. And maybe he’s doing this to feel like he’s still a big shot and a young and energetic fella, but he knows that he’s not what he used to be. Probably because of the drugs he’s done, he’s worn down now. Love isn’t a game for three. Here he admits he’s not going to find something deep in this tryst. Obviously they are not candidates for a potential polyamorous connection, but he likes pretending that he hasn’t gone past the point of no return, soon to burn out. But I’m sure there are equally valid interpretations that don’t totally agree with me.

It’s funny that Steely Dan has been considered easy listening, but they always talk about such topics (albeit not always in a straightforward manner) as rape, prostitution, incest, or some other socially unacceptable subjects. It’s just that the delivery is so sexy… the irony in it all is such a great part of it. The word games and lyrical choices make them like a modern day Shakespeare. All that and so many references to New York city and I feel like I could have met them.

Where have all the bad guys and girls gone? Why do I keep meeting all the goody goodies? You’ve heard of those who say, “Why can’t I just meet a descent fella? Why do I keep meeting these bad guys who just want sex [blah, blah, blah]?”

Well, my problem is almost the opposite. I keep meeting people who want to take it slow lately. I mean you could slow it down a little sure… romance a little… maybe for like half an hour or an hour or two. That’s what a date is for, no? But then after that… come on. I want to fuck. Then afterward we can build a friendship. I want to know where the chemistry will lead us first, then I’ll figure out what kind of time I want to spend with you. Why don’t people get that?

Why is it that people want to be so coy about sex? Do they think that there is some security to get from the sex. If a person is going to leave and make you feel empty, they’re going to do it whether or not you have sex with them. If you want more than just sex, don’t think that withholding sex is going to give you what you really want. That’s just not a guarantee. If you want something deeper than sex and you think the promise of sex can help you get at that, then you’re really just fooling yourself. I don’t have time to pretend I don’t want what I want. I’m saying if you want that person, then just do it. Feel good now. Why wait? Anything deeper is going to take time and that’s a separate issue from the sex.

Also, there’s no such thing as any sex is good sex because anything worth doing is worth doing well.

Now of course I’m not talking about any young’ns. You know what I mean? If you’re an adult and you’ve already been having sex for some time, there’s no need to be coy.

I am not some asshole either that just wants to tap in have sex and move off… one night stands are not really my thing (though I’ve done it and it hasn’t necessarily been so bad). I mean if you enjoy yourself why not repeat the experience? I mean, I understand about warming up a little. See, even those who want to take it slow, don’t necessarily know how to warm up properly anyway. They expect to wait forever and ever to get started and hold their breath for a moment that never comes because it’s not going to happen on it’s own. I mean, I want build up a little, but I don’t want to be hot and cold hot and cold… Let’s get to the action the right way and take it from there. But no, I’m not going to wait weeks and weeks. We don’t need to fall in love to have sex.

So there’s this guy I knew from HS who actually said to me “I know you want me to fuck you but I’m not that easy” Yeah, that stupidity just made me lose interest. If he wants to play hard to get, he can stay in high school for all I care. What is he trying to do? Go for the title 40 year old virgin? Look, I don’t need long to figure out if I want to have sex with a specific person. Any adult who tries to sell a line like that is usually not being honest. It’s not like we were total strangers… I mean he could have just said no. That would have been fine. But the whole “maybe I will maybe I won’t attitude” just annoys me.

That’s something I have come to expect from a girl, especially if she has never been with a woman before. I don’t like it when girls say that (though I have learned to be understanding and to try to read whether they do deserve a little patience or if they’re just playing mind games). But I certainly don’t care to hear it from a guy. There are people who just want to wait for life to pass them by. Ok, I understand about patience, but don’t tell me I have to unlock some treasure to prove myself worthy of your sex. Don’t do me any favors. And besides, this guy kept sending mixed signals anyway. And this guy was supposed to be some ladies man?

Maybe he just couldn’t close the deal and I should actually just feel sorry for him.

I’ve had problems like this from women, but now, after hearing this from a guy, I realize it’s not gender specific. It’s just the wrong kind of people getting in my way of enjoying life. So I’ll find those who are on my page.

I need passion…. Girl or guy, I need someone who is serious about action and then we can build from there. I mean it’s like these people want to wait till they’re married to have sex.. wtf…. why on earth would you marry a person you didn’t have sex with first if you didn’t have to? Well, that’s fine really. If they want to wait, let them wait. In the meantime I’ll be having some fun with my life.

…that’s just my opinion.