A girl asked me the other day, “What is the hardest thing about having your blog?” She went on to speculate whether it was the fact that I am vulnerable and anyone can write all sorts of comments anonymously; judging me and not appreciating that I put myself out there.
No, I guess I can’s really ask anyone to feel sorry for me about that. I chose this.
I am not worried about sending my picture over the internet or exposing myself in this blog though obviously I’m choosing my own limitations like not having my face posted here or things like giving out my last name, SSN and mother’s maiden name. But I meet a lot of people who have read my blog or my husband’s blog and I don’t hide from them.
There is no privacy on the internet, so I hear. I think I’ve gotten over it. I got over it after Lex first started his blog and discussed it with people we knew who had their own livejournal. After a falling out (because we wouldn’t have sex with the couple) the girlfriend posted nasty comments on the loft site (we have since learned about a little thing called “moderating comments”). Eventually she apologized. I got over it after the Swedish couple was insulted upon discovering the blog (I don’t remember telling them). Rereading it now, I can’t be sure, but I could almost swear the entry might have been modified. Though it is a rare occurrence, in this case I think it was less hassle to remove some of the details. The husband was just not happy when he found out the wife was getting eaten out by some other guy without his permission and he lashed out at us. Anyway, here was another lesson on needing to moderate comments.
It took me a little longer to get over our email stalker, but once she finally vanished (I’ll save that for another story) it was just a matter of me remembering I don’t want to become a hermit just so that I keep all the crazies away. I eventually got over it me when an ex-girlfriend blew her top (apparently not even my friendship was needed anymore shortly after we introduced her to her fiancé – so she fabricated an argument) threatening me over AIM (AOL Instant Messenger that is – I myself have mostly gotten over the whole chatting phase in my life).
I got over it almost immediately after a now ex-coworker found my woman-for-woman profile (with a photo of me wearing nothing but a painted dress) and proceeded to inform me that since there was no picture on his profile I would never know who he was, but that I shouldn’t worry my secret life was safe with him.
Well, listen, I became vulnerable long before my blog, first of all. Second of all, it’s not the internet that could kill me. It’s the people everywhere and anywhere that could hurt me, whether I meet them in real life or in cyberspace, whether or not I get “voice verification” before I agree to meet someone. As long as I meet people in neutral space and never bring back someone to my apartment or go to theirs unless I feel comfortable and safe as best I can.
So, I made a decision long ago to not stay in my house and hide away for the rest of my life. And yeah, at least keep my sex life separate from my family life and probably from my work life. But outside of that, what I do on my time is my own choice. No one else can take that away from me. Only by shutting me up would they have won.
I told the girl that I did feel vulnerable though and there was that matter of being judged by others as a potential problem. But there was more to it. I told her it was difficult sometimes. The girl continued to probe, “Is it that you don’t have a enough material or that you don’t have time to write about it.
I felt like I had to defend myself. Yes! I have plenty of material. I’m not a total loser. And some days some interesting things happen in my life too. And yes, I have definitely felt like I often just need to live my life. Although I have fantasies about keeping up with my dairy every day like I used to as a little girl or a crazy teenager with a crush on every other person I knew or every other celebrity I wish I knew (it was a form of catharsis), I am often too busy living the chaos of my life. Still, there was yet more to that answer. But my response to her was simply “not enough time.” That’s not at all untrue. It’s just that it’s only another part of it.
What was I unwilling to share with this woman I had only met minutes before she asked me the questions? She read my blog and my husband’s blog for some time. She knew something about me. I knew nothing about her except that she was married and her husband bought us wine. Could I share the truth with her in that moment. If I had known I was going to post it here, I would have said it, but these thoughts were still dancing around in my head and I was not ready to share. I didn’t even know for sure if I wanted to share that information.
Well, the full story, the full truth was that people cannot handle the truth. I myself have trouble with it sometimes, being known as a bit sensitive. Well, this blog isn’t so much the catharsis I wanted it to be. At least not yet. I feel like I CANNOT be completely honest. And I thought having my blog would allow me to say what I could not say on my husband’s blog. Even just knowing that people know what’s really inside of me… as long as I can control it, that can be quite a rush , but really, how would people react if they really knew the truth about certain things. Only a super secret blog to blog what I just can’t blog about sometimes would be a true catharsis. The problem is that although I want to not care about the traffic I get, I can’t help it. I’ve probably been accused of caring too much somethings. And then there’s the fact that people can do some crazy things when faced with the truth.
I DO believe in the truth so it’s not that I outright try to lie… I just feel the need to omit certain truths. It can be lonely – easy to alienate people with too much truth. Where is that line? How much risk is worth it? The biggest problem for me with my blog is that I want to be more honest but find that hard to do it. I don’t want to seem bitter if and when I feel angry because I do feel disappointed often. Life is full of disappointments. And I have this nagging feeling that if I am too positive about certain things, I will just jinx it. Maybe that’s connected with the Catholic guilt. But I do wish I could be more honest. I wonder, would people receive that well or just dismiss it as a rant?
I mean, I’m all for finding the positive in life and not focusing so much on the negative. I believe that positive energy brings you more positive energy while negative energy can be poisonous. But, when something is not right you can’t always hold it in. There’s a time to be nice and a time to not be so nice. As I continue to blog, I will work on that. While it is probably not always wise or even necessary to be brutally honest, there are times when I just want to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth.
