I was a little nervous as I walked along West Houston. I wondered if anyone would show up at all. I always wonder about that. No matter how good an event turns out to be, the moments before the actual event cause me great anxiety. I had a feeling of losing control and it didn’t settle well with my stomach. Still I was determined to make this a fun night so I simply thought about all the girls I might meet and whatever happened would have to be… And if no one showed up, well, I could have a few drinks and see about calling some friends to come to my rescue. The bartender was usually willing to give me a free shot now and again – I’d have to play it by ear.
Damn, I hate when I have to play it by ear. Usually when someone says play it by ear it means they don’t really want to make your idea a priority and they’re already preparing an excuse not to make it happen. So that phrase only reminded me that the meeting might not happen! And I really wanted it to work out. None of that so-called-positive self-talk was working for me.
I hadn’t even met any of the girls yet so what would make me think they were really committed to this gathering? How many times do I get a response from women such as, “I’ll see if I can make it,” or “I have so much going on…” you know all these maybe excuses that make a girl seem like she’s so popular you have to prove why she should be interested in you. It’s funny because I found that women play more games than men. Sure, I get that they might be scared too… but it’s so much more likely for women to not commit to meeting you than for a man to do this. At least that has been my experience. Another classic response is, “I love the idea, but I can’t make it to this event. I can’t wait for the next meeting though!” If everybody gave me those responses, who knows if this club could ever take off! And then eventually there wouldn’t be a next meeting.
No matter, I wanted this to work out and dammit I had to make it work. I remembered the reasons I wanted to start this club. Sure there are other parties – there’s always something going on and someone else could pick up my slack with all the (tons of) other events… But I truly believed (and do believe) that my club idea had something unique to offer and I wanted to share my ideas with other women. Perhaps those same women who made those countless excuses and could have been the least likely to show up because they were actually too scared or shy to take that first step would be there. Or maybe I would meet those same women who really did have too much going on, but they figured for this one moment, that my club would be worth their time. We all have to try different things, right?
This was the image I used on the eVite:
So here I was, hoping that some women got my message and made tonight’s meeting fit into their tight schedule or found the mood they needed to get their butts over to the Bisexual Girls Club – setting all fears and assumptions aside – and give this night a chance to become the beginning of something great.
And with that in mind, I continued along the rest of the path assured that no matter what happened it would all be worth my efforts.
Once there, I settled into the reserved area. There was way too much light of course. I seemed to be in the spotlight all by my lonesome. What to do? What does a girl do when she is sitting all alone waiting, waiting for someone to show up… Now anybody who is ever waiting for me when I happen to be late for a date can’t tell me they felt awkward waiting by themselves because honey, I’ve been there and well, I just had to pull through. So, I bought a drink and waited some more. I had to keep my mind off the fact that I was waiting for like ever (I think it was only about 20 minutes, but it felt like an eternity) or else I would have dashed out and given up.
Eventually I tried o start a conversation with some fellow patrons nearby, though I probably sounded like a fool and besides they seemed to be wrapped up in their own little drama. They did look over at me a few times, I could feel it (no definite proof). What is it that makes people act so distant until you prove you’re worthy of a second of their time? Just talk to each other dammit. What’s the worse that could happen? If you don’t enjoy the conversation then you can move on and no harm no foul. Is your time always that precious??
I sat there, in my Victorian Jacquard corset (and removable garters – no I’m not trying to sell it – I saw it in a magazine after I bought it elsewhere and well it sort of makes it more interesting when I use their description), long black skirt, long black round-tipped pirate-type boots (sort of ready for combat I guess, but the round tip gave me a madam-esque look), my black fedora, and glitter all over my body (most of it around my chest as to accentuate the umm nice red color of the corset). It was on this night that I found the name of my party persona – Miss Bix Kat.
Finally a lovely vision walked towards me and I immediately recognized her from her pictures. Suddenly I wondered about her lovely nipples. I had not asked for any racy photos, but she had provided them anyway, so I had an idea what was behind that blouse and it made me smile a little. Now of course I was going to behave so I just greeted her with a kiss on the cheek and we immediately began to share stories about our lives as bisexual girls. We got along peachy and my stomach began to settle a little. Or maybe it was just the drinks. I think my wonderful bartender friend gave my drinks a little extra shot.
Eventually the lights were dimmed so that the red lamps could provide a soft ambiance. Soon another girl showed up and we introduced ourselves once again. As each new girl arrived we would recap some of what had already been said. Before I knew it there were about 8 of us gathered around the plush red couches asking for more drinks, laughing, giving advice, and enjoying each other’s company. A sort-of-ex showed up with her date (a very enthusiastic woman) and apparently her current boyfriend waiting somewhere off to the side (which I did not even know about till days later because I was too captivated by the ladies around me to notice anyone else – I ask you, would you be thinking about your sort-of-ex and her boyfriend in this moment?).
Now I must say I didn’t expect this kind of chemistry. If the meeting had ended at that point, I would have been perfectly happy. I certainly could not have asked for a better turnout. The size remained intimate and it was a nice start. Of course the intention was and continues to be just to meet other bisexual women with whom to share ideas, laughter, drinks, and whatever else the group is open to.
It is part of the lifestyle in New York to always be at your best and ready for any competition for attention. And depending on who you ask, it may or may not be the downside of a metropolitan life. Though I still dearly love New York City, I’ve certainly been here long enough to know that truth. And often I just find myself getting the evil eye from so many (straight?) women. I wanted to find others like me. I wanted to have a moment of pleasure without fear of judgment, without us all having to try to fit in or prove that we’re cool enough to be a part of this or that clique, or having to pay an arm an a leg just to talk to a like-minded individual. And maybe I hoped for some validation of who I was as a bisexual woman – what does it mean to me? what does it mean to others? what do we have in common? what don’t we have in common? what can we learn from each other? It was just an opportunity to bond, perhaps, over a drink. And today’s reason to celebrate was acceptance of our bisexuality.
As it turned out, there were some girls with whom I felt more of a connection… but I never could have guessed we would become the after-party too.
At some point in the night, I found a space on an ottoman with one of the ladies and we both said, “you’re so beautiful.” As not to let the perfect opportunity pass I quickly asked if I could kiss her. Eventually three of us were kissing and then another, more shy girl, was asking if she could join in. Then a couple of girls disappeared into the bathroom for a short while. No one seemed to care that there were a lot of other non-club members all around us. The moment seemed to exist only for us. And the bartender brought us a round of free drinks. And somehow my skirt was lifted – maybe I just wanted to show the rest of my sexy ensemble – but there were no complaints… there was only talk about going to the next location, which would bring us to the second half of the night.
****
While things were slowly winding down and there was a motion to relocate, I got a call from Lex telling me he was nearby and asking if anyone minded if he drop by. The girls urged him to join the party, but by the time he made it, we were already heading out. Upon someone else’s suggestion, it was decided – we were going back to my apartment, where I had more alcohol and some 420.
Lex was quickly introduced to the ladies and we grabbed a cab uptown, making a lot of commotion on the way there, ready for anything.
