Satisfaction
Nov 19, 01:41 PM
I can’t get no satisfaction, I can’t get no girl reaction. ‘Cause I try and I try and I try and I try. I can’t get no, I can’t get no.
- Rolling Stones
I’ve had easily 20, more probably 30, most possibly 40 threesomes, but I’ve only really enjoyed being with about a handful of the women who have accompanied me on that journey. It’s actually been a while, maybe over a year, since I felt like I really connected and was truly fully turned on by a woman with whom I had sex. And I do remember those women in a most delicious way, such that these feelings (physical and otherwise) reaffirmed for me my desire for women. The problem is that there has been something missing. Most of the times, it feels like the girls are there for only one thing, which can be fine to an extent, but still it can leave much to be desired. I think they act as if just them being there should make me grateful and all too often that’s about as much as they give. They’re not really there to connect with me; to get to know me; to really feel me. I suppose I find that’s there’s another level of intimacy I am looking for in order to satisfy my sexual needs. It certainly isn’t about no sex (celebacy? foreplay only? nothing below the waist – nope, that’s not for me) at all and it isn’t about just genital sex (just the fact that a woman goes down on me doesn’t mean that she’s found the way to connect with me or that I feel the satisfaction I seek – I mean they could just as easily be going through the motions to put on a nice show)*. Though there is fun in flirtation, there can be as much sensation not just in what happens during, but also in what happens after … what I feel we can build on… what I feel allows me to explore more and really free my sensual and sexual expression.
*Actually I was reading about this in a book called Bi Any Other Name: Bisexual People Speak Out, Edited by Loraine Hutchins and Lani Kaahumanu. A passage from an essay by Laura Johnson, “Making My Own Way” speaks to what I’m feeling about that matter:
I am coming to expand my consciousness far beyond genital sex and straight romantic love and to feel the ways in which eroticism energizes and empowers my life.
On the one hand, I don’t mind a one-night stand, though I’m not looking for just a one-night stand. On the other hand I don’t need to get into a relationship, though I am not emotionally opposed to it. It’s just that quite a lot of times, women seem to enjoy only the idea of the threesome and once the novelty wears off for them (all too quickly) they become distant; in some cases cold fish (and often in those cases, looking back I find the actual act as having been distant as well). More on that later…
Maybe I need to find out about tantric sex.
Those are my thoughts for now. It is somewhat incomplete, but I need to start getting this stuff out there because that is the only way I’m going to be able to sort through the muddle in my head. Reading this latest book has encouraged me to try again (in different ways) to express myself so that I can gain a enlightenment about my sexuality and experiences I’ve had in my lifestyle rather than just going through activities and feeling empty about it once the moment is over. It’s not exactly that I feel empty (I mean, I don’t regret those moments); it’s just that I do feel there is something missing (whether with challenges in my own role or how others approach/don’t approach me). There is a sense of awareness I am unable to reach. And I don’t want to harbor resentment because I feel there are few people out there who really understand me or are on the same page as I am. Perhaps I’ve been looking to the wrong people.
Perhaps I have not been looking inside myself enough. I need to find satisfaction before it’s too late for me and I become bitter and 10 years older in spirit than my time in this world. This isn’t something I want to force, but when I continue to bring the wrong kind of energy into my life, it just eats away at me and makes me forget all that I’ve learned about what’s beautiful around me and inside of me.