Bisexual Girls Club

I never had slumber parties and pillow fights that turned into make out sessions with my best girlfriends. Finding out about other women’s experiences when I started dating them, I was intrigued by the kind of freedom they must have had to have discovered their true selves so early in life. I was always a late starter. Perhaps it always took me too long to prepare and feel comfortable with things that it’s possible I even denied certain feelings in me. Or maybe those feelings were just not ready to come out.

That night, however, I was ready to meet her. For some reason the promise of that night’s party really intrigued me. It seemed like it could be a night to just let myself escape any and all judgment. After all, it was about being accepted for being different. I have always felt I was a bit different. Not special because I was different, just kind of the oddball, even with my friends. Well, most people would just call me weird. I always had my own strange energy and glow about me. So, a BGLU (Bisexual, Gay, and Lesbian Union) party seemed like the kind of thing where maybe I wouldn’t be so strange. And hey, well, I was in college and I was sexually charged, so why not see what could happen. I did already admire one beautiful woman for the freedom she seemed to possess. I wanted to feel that for myself.

I didn’t really know what to think when I found myself on to the dance floor. But it wasn’t long before I felt a tingle. As I stood and danced next to this adorable red head I had never seen before, it now makes sense why it all seemed so natural. I didn’t even realize she was the same Junior, Rachel, who was in my art class. In my mind I really was seeing her for the first time.

I think she must have sensed the chemistry between us because as soon as I got close to her she didn’t push away. In fact she kept her spot next to me and wiggled her butt closer and closer as the music continued. She seemed to know what she was doing and I just wanted to stay close to her. I even forgot to feel awkward for that night. A little flirtation was all I needed to get me fired up.

Nothing happened that night, except that we built up the anticipation. We exchanged extensions and I impatiently waited for time to pass so I could call her at last. I always had a thing for redheads actually.

Except for the girl who I had a crush on (I realize now that’s what it was… I had no idea when it was actually happening) when I was in the first grade. This girl Amelia was in the fifth grade and my sister was actually jealous of her because when Amelia paid attention to me, I would kind of ignore others around me. Amelia was a very pretty brunette. I even remember seeing her many years later, after my sophomore year experience. I recognized her immediately and then I knew that Amelia was my first crush.

So back to the more future past… this redhead, Rachel, was quite lovely. And when I finally got her on the phone (a couple of days later I think – probably Monday – the party had been on Friday or Saturday) she sounded elated to hear my voice. I twirled my hair as we spoke. And then Tuesday would be time for another art class so I would get to see this lovely vision again. But honestly I had no idea what to do. It made me so nervous when I thought about the reality of it all.

So overcome with strange yet familiar feelings, I tried telling myself that I was just pretending. But when I remember the dance that night, there’s no doubt in my mind that what I felt was real. It really did hit me from nowhere so it’s impossible for me to have been pretending. It was the same kind of feeling I had when I looked into the eyes of that boy Angelo (throughout my years in High School), who always reminded me of that man in one of my favorite romance novels. Man or woman, the feeling of desire is something I cannot and have not ever been able to deny.

Eventually I visited Rachel at West Hall. Actually we just sat together outside the dorm on the lawn next to the Science Quad on a sunny day after class had ended. After another phone conversation and me not knowing what the hell to do next, but wanting so badly to see her and touch her again (I felt so uncertain of things I didn’t really even know what to say to her in class so I just sat next to her and trembled while other people were around), I insisted that we should really talk in person. So we talked about the fact that we liked each other.

Actually this was around the same time that Lex first suggested we have a threesome and so that’s probably why it was easy for me to pretend I didn’t really like girls. But the more I thought about things, the more I realized I was already being heavily influenced by both external and internal factors. Aside from Lex and his notions, there was that movie with Daryl Hannah and Peter Gallagher that inspired the desire in me. And I saw that way before college. Most importantly though, I couldn’t help tingling when I stood near Rachel.

Well, I did want to have a threesome with her… so it all starting spinning off that idea. I tried nervously to convince her to see things my way, and I really believe she wanted to have an adventure with me, whatever it might be.

It’s just that I was pretty scared and confused and sorting out what exactly was happening. I lacked confidence and understanding of such matters. I didn’t know what I was supposed to be doing. I only knew that I had these feelings and I needed to do something about it. And I know now for sure that I had some feelings for her. Whether it was lust or more that that, it was undeniably a resounding leap outside of my straight life. This was the first expression of my bisexuality. And we would kiss for the first time surrounded by the soft light of her dorm room. I remember she always had a scarf draped across her lamp and some sweet scent that added a soft touch. It seemed so natural yet so strange at the same time. What does an 18 year old do with those feelings when she’s never been taught other than “when a man loves a woman?” Sure there were the members of the BGLU – but they were not like me. They were “the other.” Most of the ones who were out were artists and I didn’t know anything about them. I loved math and science. And although I have some creative bones in my body, I certainly couldn’t bet anything on my artistic abilities (at least not reliably so). So who could I relate to? Who could I really talk to? I’m not trying to make a metaphor out of that, just that it was a matter of where I felt comfortable being fully who I was. I guess I always felt stuck in between two worlds. Not enough in one or the other to fully be a part of either.

I remember that one day while Lex and I was were visiting Rachel in her dorm room, all three of us just talking and spending some time getting to know each other, she asked if I would take a shower with her and of course I obliged. We both touched each other kind of slowly like two young and naive virgins trying to guide each other through the unknown.

We would fool around here and there now and again for the next maybe couple of months. We even ended up in my dorm room and all three of us ended up taking a shower together (I was lucky to have a shower in my room!) since it was supposed to be a suite that I ended up getting all to myself for the Spring Semester. We tried all sorts of different permutations and really kind of tried to make it all work. But in the end what was “kinky” to Lex was Rachel’s “sexuality.” Hell, I thought it all went hand in hand , but apparently those were insurmountable differences. Rachel also told me that she began to have more serious feelings for me and couldn’t continue in a threesome relationship. And so we ended things saying it would be best if we remained friends.

Unfortunately the next year, I was not ready to see her again. Perhaps I was more broken hearted than I wanted to admit. When a person says I care about you too much so I’m leaving you, it’s very hard to swallow. And I wanted so badly to bring all my worlds together, but not being able to just soured me to the whole idea of my redheaded beauty. I was still too young to know that what I felt for her was real and not just me pretending to like girls. I wish I had been kinder to her the next time I saw her, when she entered into her Senior year and I into my Junior year in college. At a party she greeted me by tapping me on my back. And I simply ignored her, leaving her quite distraught (Lex described her reaction. I was too stubborn to look back). I apologized to her months later and she accepted it … but there was nothing left between us.

Yet, to this day I still remember what she smelled like. Especially after we showered together. I still have a couple of pieces of art work I created in that art class both during class time and after hours whenever she promised she too would be at the studio. Despite my artistic non-abilities, I did find a way to express that side of myself. Perhaps she inspired me with that first kiss.