This Ain't No Mickey Mouse Club
May 4, 02:35 PM
The club (BXG for short) idea doesn’t work out for everybody. Although this girl seemed to be enjoying herself immensely, she did leave early. This was an email I got from her after she attended a meeting. In our exchange I attempt to lay out my intended direction for the club, and to help her feel more at ease with what she could be a part of…
Ex member of BXG:
hi les,
i dont think things are gunna work out, at least for now. i told my boyfriend about our club and he is really displeased with the whole idea. he’s afraid of losing me, and he said that if i do have some type of female experience, he would leave me. he is a really big part of my life and i love him dearly so i must respect his wishes. i felt it was best to tell you this, because i didnt want to go out like a punk and just not show up or respond to emails. hopefully you understand.
-The Goodbye Girl
My Response:
That’s too bad. To be honest with you I think what he said to you is completely wrong. It just doesn’t seem to me like he loves you if he allows fear to rule your relationship. A relationship is about open communication and fear and jealousy are the kinds of things that destroy it. Hopefully he will figure out a way to respect your wishes the way you are willing to respect his. I certainly understand your dilemma and hope it all works out in the end. I sincerely wish you the very best and hope you do find exactly what you desire in your life. May your true love shine through in the end. Don’t worry about going out like a punk. Should you ever wish to rejoin the group, let me know.
A Second Response from Me:
I thought some more about your email and I wanted to take this opportunity to elaborate on my previous message. I’m not even sure why this is an issue. No one EVER said you had to have sex with or make out with or whatever with anyone in the group. This has never been intended as an orgy. I want women to feel free to be who they are and no one is being forced to do anything. You saw some of us making out. Okay, we had fun. We are adults. We find someone attractive and we are free to act on our desires. But no one forced anyone to do anything and there was never any intention of pressuring anyone at all to do something someone else was doing.
That is the very thing I want to avoid. That is the very thing I’ve encountered in other groups, where they initially say they feel restrained or oppressed in other conservative or mainstream environments and they wish to go somewhere where they can feel free to be as open as they want to be. Therefore they start groups where they can be more open. Yet they just trade one set of restrictions for another. They trade one point of pressure for another. In some of these more open groups, you’re shunned for not being “open” enough. And how dare you not make the “different” non-mainstream choices that everyone else in this new group makes?? I want to avoid those mistakes. I want people to be free to be themselves in every sense of the word as long as you’re not hurting or forcing anyone else. If one of us want to be more sexual that’s fine. If one of us wants to be more reserved that’s fine too.
Just because we all claim we are bisexual doesn’t mean we don’t still have a choice to act in the way that makes us feel comfortable. I want this club to be a SAFE HAVEN. You can do what feels right, what feels good, and you are by no means expected to do anything that you don’t want to. It’s a place where you can talk about your bisexuality as well. I don’t care if you’re a virgin or not (bisexually speaking or otherwise) – I don’t need to know about your sexual activity or lack thereof – you can share that information if you want to or not share it.
The group is about getting to know other women who have similar issues and can understand each other. The bonding doesn’t have to have anything to do with being physical or having ever actually been physical with anyone. Bisexuality is more about a state of mind not about proving what you have done.
Does your boyfriend have such difficulty trusting you that he’s not okay with you having even a conversation with another woman? Look, I’m not looking to get any action from you. I think you are missing out on a great experience and you’re fooling yourself if you think your boyfriend has asked this out love for you. It’s one thing if you told him you were about to go on a date with a girl and if he would prefer complete monogamy then that’s not such a crazy thing to ask. He’s more comfortable with just the two of you being together in this exclusive relationship. But for him to keep you from joining a club? I never said you had to do anything with another girl. I just want you to understand what this club is about because maybe you have misunderstood what I am doing here.
No one is trying to take responsibility for your actions. You own your own choices. I hope that you either do already or will ultimately understand that. It’s important in understanding who you are and not just following what others think you should be.
I’m not trying to offend you or anything like that, I swear. I just want you to think about this in a different way. I think you could learn a lot about who you are by meeting with other like-minded individuals and I feel like you are really selling yourself short by allowing your boyfriend to dictate your membership in a club. It’s fine if you’re not a member of my club. Like I said, I wouldn’t force you. I’m just saying maybe you have the wrong idea about what this club is about and I think your boyfriend is completely overreacting. It just seems to me like this is just the beginning of something bigger and it will only hurt you more in the future unless being bisexual is not something that’s important in your life.
My intention was to clarify the club mission, but I also wanted her to feel like she deserved a supportive environment. I’m hoping she was able to sort some things out. Of course coming to terms with your sexuality isn’t always easy. For many of us it can and has been a lifelong process. Maybe I failed her miserably. Or maybe I reached her a little. I just don’t know.